gran i am getting on kinda bad cause sometimes i refuse to believe you are gone i pretend you are in the hospital and i am going to come up and see you at visiting time because i cant bear the truth just yet maybe i will in time but not now i wont i am worried about everyone else and mostly i dont think about it and block it from my head i shut everything bad out and dont think at all except about good things in life and that you will maybe come back but you dont.i dont let anyone see me crying anymore and dont cry hardly because if i do then i wont stop and it will make me think . i am missing you badly but act like i am fine and bother about everyone else rather than caring about what i feel i just get on with it. this year is the first christmas without you and there will and is a big gap where you are supposed to be . granda gave me a x-mas card and it said from granny and granda on it i apreciate that in a way and it makes me think it is still from you and you are still here with us all . i think it is good i went into the parlour to see you but sometimes i think its bad because that picture of you in the coffin is stuck in my brain and it might have been netter if i just kept the memories as you were happy and welll and not dead and still and white and not speaking at all you always used to talk you could have talked for scotland just like me . i have mixed feelings .well i love you i just hope you are there to see us happy at x-mas even though we cant see you you can see us and are still there in spirit in the next room as you said but the next room isnt good enough i want you here as you always were xxxxxxxxxx goodnight